Visualization

Works!!!!

Really.....I admit to being a skeptic myself.  I read about it in a BC mag I get which was weird since the article was specifically about hysterectomies...hmmmm, and honestly I was like ummmmm yeah okay right. That just sounds hokey even to me....which in all honesty I tend to go for so, I moved on and continued trying to find a manual because this was weeks ago.

But then this past weekend...the bleeding was still happening...not much but....I decided to try the visualization ...and a weird thing happened....I lay down and put my hand over my stomach and took some calming breaths and then just closed my eyes and relaxed.  I just envisioned what I imagined the top of the vaginal canal looked like inside...and I have no idea how that image came to me...it just did.  I focused on imagining it completely knitting itself together and healing itself and it happened.  I got this feeling....of ....happiness..and pink...(yeah I can't explain that it was just all pink....) and literally the thought that popped into my head was "Happy little tissues" and yes, said in a Bob Ross voice!!! And then I felt at peace.  And the bleeding started to trickle down....and then stop....... :o

So yesterday...I lay down again and went to visualize just to double check and ...well  also cuz I don't want to have to go get more silver!  And the image that popped into my head was different!!!!  It was sealed....healed.....fixed...... :o

I'm still processing....of course I have always asserted I am VERY in touch with my body and what is going on.....but.....well hmmmm....interesting, eh?

I hope yall had nice weekends.  Mine was filled with volleyball and family and it was quite nice:)

Blog ya later-
K~QM

3 Weeks

Wednesday was my 3 week post-op check-up and it was ..interesting to say the least.

I made a list of questions and a new intern came in first and so I asked him all of them.  that was fun(HEAVY sarcasm....) I'm pretty sure he was even younger than the first intern...if that is even possible! But he did answer everything to my satisfaction except the sex question...we had to wait for the Dr to answer that.  And so he came in and did the exam and lo and behold everything inside wasn't quite ...."stitched/sealed" as tightly as they'd like so he took liquid silver and cauterized it...me....um yes...you read that right, liquid silver burned shut my....vajayjay(to quote Oprah) .  Yeah......yeah........and of course made the time table for just about everything longer.....sigh...but at least I know it wasn't anything I did to myself!!! PHEW!  And if it doesn't "take" I have to go back and do it again......yeah...odd that wasn't in the manual either...:/

Which actually brings me to things I get to do...like DRIVE!!! YAY.....not far still....but that has to do with the seat belt more than anything.....  I also get to walk and then run again as I feel up to it.  I admit...I'm thrilled and yet...wary....there IS extra space in there now and I don't want to bounce/jar things that are still healing so I think I'm just going to walk for now.  I still have several weeks before I have to really start! ;)
I'm still not supposed to bend or do jerky movements that pull on the...lower abdomen...so sadly no VB stuff yet either.....sigh.  I am being sooo good!


However...I'm still getting migraines...which used to be solely related to my periods and hormones and ....I am not happy about this!  The meds have worked but I lose a morning!  Or two if it is like this week! :/:/

So anyway...that's been the fun front as far as the hysterectomy is going....yay.

Hope yall have had nice weeks!

Blog ya later-
K`QM

Steri-less!!!

Wooo-hooooo!!

I pulled the steri-strips off yesterday!!!  It was soooo nice to be free of them...they were starting to really poke and pucker my skin!  And I discovered that I have 5 very small scars...only 4 you can really see as one is in the belly button itself.  They are more visible right now because of the trauma to the surrounding skin from the steri-strips!!! Which of course makes it look much worse so....I'm not looking at them.  Not really that hard of a task I just am never naked in front of a long mirror! J

I have been feeling much better in general too.  Which is definitely nice but I just can't wait to be back to me.  I'm really not a good patient!   Two weeks is about my limit of good patientness in fact and I'm past that now!!!!  Plus I have things to do!!!!  And places to be...and people to see!!!!  I actually missed out on what looked like a very fun evening raising money for a great cause and a good friend and I was very very sad.  I want to be able to do things for me again too....and I really want to get back to the business of running everything around here!!!!  Don't get me wrong, the monster brigade has done a fabulous job of getting most everything done but...I WANT to do things.....my things...I want to cook and clean and I actually like folding laundry...dishes not so much but.....I want to be out watering my plants....I have bushes to cut and things to do.........

And....it is volleyball season...I've been good...oh so good.......that is going to be the ultimate test for me this fall I know it......I'm not sure I'm strong enough......I don't have but one if that left.......that's just cruel.....

In other news...it is Sept and HOT.....hmmmmmmmmm......

Blog ya later-
K~QM

Antsy.....

I feel good...really good...antsy.....and that's NOT good.....sigh.  I mean I am still totally aware of my physical limitations as far as lifting, turning/rotating, bending and somewhat general soreness in the mid -section still but...I feel good!!!!!

More important...well not important...but in this case definitely more weighing on me is that I feel like I'm not doing........I'm the doer!!!!   I make the schedules...coordinate the various lives....plan the rides and meet-ups and ....everything...and not only can I not do any of that...I truly can't plan it b/c....I can't do it!!!!  I need to drive!!!!!!

I know...patience....it is just a blip in time....there is nothing that has to be done.....needs to be done.....that can't wait buuuuuuu....sigh...I am not going to be a very happy older person......whichever of you ends up with me.....you should really keep in mind how much your mother loves her freedom in whatever form she can get it...and you should probably hide your keys ;) I want to walk more......I have things that are coming up on my calendar......bling I want to get......things...okay races.......plans!!!!

I also have a growing list of questions I have for my check-up next Wed.....it might be a VERY long appointment!! :/

Oh and...the TM had her first game away today.  She rode a bus and went... and played away.....she is so old suddenly.....and I feel so old suddenly....when did that happen...how did it happen so FAST?????  And then I sat across the table from them at dinner and watched as they both had braces(which has so suddenly aged the PTM) and had inside jokes about things and just how lucky I was to be their mom and get to see them grow up and how suddenly they looked so.....old.......sigh......

Blog ya later-
K~QM

2 Weeks Post-Op

Well two weeks have now passed since I got home even and it is somewhat a surreal dream that I can't quite remember all of because quite frankly I was pretty drugged and sick...it was not fun.

And then it started getting better.  And I was feeling quite well.  And so I pushed...like I always do...and my body pushed back!  Luckily I have grown a smidgen more realistic as the years have passed and realized especially in this case I needed to cease and desist all activity pronto and chill.  I did...it's hard...VERY hard!!!!  I have since realized I am actually just human and not really a superhero and should as such heal first and foremost and everything else can manage without me....whoa...I must be either still drugged or turning over a new leaf!

So to sum up...and I'm going to get detailed which is graphic so I totally understand if anyone wants to skip the next paragraph starting now.......Tuesday when I overdid it there was bright red blood and not a huge amount but more than had been at any time before and I freaked.....I have since done not much at all which probably for the best regardless but it has been okay and then totally stopped and the back to tapered form and I found a website which had some explanations including the passing of the stitches at about two weeks...which can often be kind of bloody.....sigh...I had no idea!!!  Now...if it had continued..or does...I will call the Dr right away, I'm not completely crazy, but I am glad I found others who had similar experiences to help explain things and also that it stopped!  Now to just get rid of the steri strips...because they are starting to itch...unfortunately not starting to curl like it says they should before you remove them soooo we'll see.......grrr....hey...I have to have something I can focus my frustration on, right? ;)

And I just want to clarify...I did in fact do a few things today.  I gave a food allergy awareness speech for a friend's son's third grade class, where I stood and walked around a bit(waaay good for me) and I did go check in with and talk to my VB team that I'm coaching-but-not-so-much-b/c-I'm-hurt and I didn't even touch the ball!(Oh how I longed for it.....but I was good there too!)  And then I went and sat and ate chocolates at the first PSO  meeting of the year.  Which was actually quite good....a lot of good information gathered and decisions made and then lots of great ideas for change too...just long...but that always happens the first time meeting!

And then I came home and helped herd the minis to bed and now I am finishing up my day with being reflective here which I do truly enjoy.

My obliques are "burning" at bit which is weird but hey..I stopped judging my body a few...... days ago ;)

Blog ya later-
K~QM

Bust a ....

Move?  
Ha...I'd like to!
And now I'm sincerely sorry to anyone that just had that song start running through your brains ;)  But what about a stitch?  I mean...I haven't busted one I can see...........yeaaaaaaaaaah.   How does one know if one has busted a stitch in there?  If I don't move at all...will it heal itself????  (Yeah...I laughed heartily there...me not move...at all...bwahaha) I mean...I may not have busted a stitch in there....I could be totally fine,but I do know that I probably overdid it a bit today.  Mind you I did NOT lift anything over a soda bottle in heaviness!!!  But I did kinda work some in the concession stand....it wasn't like aerobics but...I'm thinking it was more than I should have done too.  THIS is why I need a manual people....I need it to tell me things other than vague innuendos as to how I might have my strength sapped for months....or not....seriously....it said that....which I'm sure applies in many many situations....but it can't apply in ALL of them.....I can not be the only fairly healthy/active/fit women to suddenly undergo a hysterectomy....where is the manual for us???????

So in other news...I've decided to write a manual....J 

Ahhhh the concession stand.....yeah I raised my hand a few times at the end of last year and managed to get myself on the boards at both schools the girls are at....and on one of the boards in two positions!  That includes running the volunteer aspect of the concession stand.....unfortunately that isn't really how it works.  That is TRULY what they wanted but the lady who did this before(for 7 years!!! eeep) did everything!!!!  And it is really a job that requires more than just random parents coming in to "run" things.  There needs to be people who know how to work things who come in early and start everything and get the food going....she did it all and so there is no one who knows all that much about what they are doing! Which leaves me and the buyer in kind of a bind!  I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.  It is going to take some thinking...because although if I was healthy I would easily slip into the role of setter-upper(oh we all know I would) I just can't do that now(aren't yall proud???? ) and so there has to be an alternative......

Anyway....there is oohhhh so much more zaniness happening around here but this is just the start..yay!

Blog y later-
K~QM

Hormones?

Do we need hormones?

One would think so...since we have them.....although they diminish(as most everything does) over time...sooo it begs the question of what about when they vanish suddenly?

I think the Dr.s thought I knew more than I did.....the problem is I don't.  I steadfastly remained on the river DeNial about hysterectomies.   I was absolutely convinced that it was not something I would ever need to deal with b/c the risk is actually relatively low even with BRCA2...and so I truly never looked into it at all...AT ALL.  So three and a half weeks ago when I was presented with the limited options for what they would let me keep or not keep...I went with what the drs recommended and what in the long run seemed the most sensible....I didn't even google.....

I have since googled.....it is scary.....I don't really want to know ALL the risks or possible side effects....I just wanted to know what to expect for a recovery...how long....what to do..or not do....what I should be feeling....I need a manual dang nabit!!!!  I read those things yanno...sigh.  Oh and don't forget..you might want/need hormones....

When?????   How do I know????  What if I don't????  What if I have already gone off the deep end and we don't even know????? (okay...yeah that last one made me laugh cuz I'm pretty sure we'd ALL know;) )  But seriously....this hormone thing is ...weird to me....my hormones have been so all over the place since chemo that I'm not even truly sure what normal is....and what if normal is the leveling out that not having whackadoodle all over the place hormones is.... but like everything else too....hair....some place but not others????wha????? WHERE is the manual?????  Seriously......

Blog ya later-
K~QM

She's Baaaaaaaaaaack!

Not that I completely left…well I kind of did…mostly I was just living on this wonderful river, it’s truly as beautiful as you can imagine..ya know..DeNial….because I was done…tired of, no, just done with the whole breast cancer thing.  I started this blog as a place to express myself and then all that happened and it kind of took over.  Which actually was wonderfully therapeutic for me and others and I AM very glad to have had that during that time but…when I was “done” I didn’t know how to change it back.  And I desperately wanted to change it back to normal.  I did not want to be “breast cancer personified”…which in itself is a hilarious concept b/c I have discovered of late that unless you know that about me…you wouldn’t know.  (Did yall just get as annoyed with “know” as I did?? Sigh…) But seriously I don’t look the part, of course I don’t quite know(there it is again…grrr) what the part looks like anymore either.  So I abandoned this blog and started another. And as I sometimes do, I threw myself into it completely and did something I generally don’t do…I didn’t clarify enough what my goal was, so that I ended up not being able to do what I wanted and have since abandoned that too!  And then in May I started the 5 month odyssey of turning “5”….huh  5 months…5…..interesting……and it has brought me to the realization as I’ve now traveled through 4 of those 5 months….I AM breast cancer personified….for me…for my daughters…for my husband….and possibly for many out there.  Does that mean I suddenly want to embrace it…no…but it means that I am learning to do that because I have to, I need to for me, for them.  Don’t worry I’m not going all pink, but I probably won’t cringe so much. 

So why the change….well…the BRCA2 in all honesty.  On July 30^th my world went all topsy turvy again and this month has been a very long one.  In many ways this journey was quite similar to my BC one but with a different outcome thankfully.  During my annual onc appt we decided to run the numbers for ovarian cancer too because it had been a couple years and just to have everything covered.  And I have been in “negotiations” with my gyno for ohhh about 5 years now as to whether I got to keep my ovaries and normality or would have to lose that too.  We had agreed on a partial solution to that in June, taking the tubes only, and I was running it by the onc because I run EVERYTHING by her and she was fine with it, although she suggested to just get rid of it all, but that was it…nothing more….no worries.  Until the office called the next morning and said my levels very highly elevated and I was to get ultrasounds ASAP and can we schedule them for tomorrow? *head spinning, ears filling with the silent screams in my head Noooooooooo* And so we began the journey of  WTHormones?????? 

The scans came back with nothing obviously cancerous but….(I hate buts don’t yall???) there was a cyst on the right ovary so off to an onocolgical gynecologist(which for the record the TM steadfastly insists is a made-up term  :/ ).  He is actually a really nice guy, with a VERY cute intern…..oh yeah that was superfun having the intern give me a vaginal exam….here young boy who looks like he just stepped off the campus…go ahead and look into my inner parts and I will try not to burst into flames and/or slide off the table……okay, so I didn’t slide off but I am 100% sure I did actually turn redder than red….but they said basically you have a choice, but you really don’t(yeah..that but word again :/ ) and since I’m going to take your ovaries and tubes….why don’t I just take your uterus and cervix too???  I mean you’re done making babies so why do you need that stuff, right?

And here is where I go into full-blown meltdown…… first let me start by saying, Yes, I am completely done with making babies…I was done 12 years ago…but…BUT that does mean I am thrilled with yall taking the last remaining parts which technically make me the crazy-whackadoodle female I am that yall love….abso-frickafracken-lutely NOT!!!!!  I repeat, NO, I am NOT happy about this….am I doing it…yes..and in fact it is done, I am now at 11 days post-op so it is done….but I am still not happy about it and why is everyone trying to convince me it is not such a big thing and no big deal??????  I just got rid of the parts which make me me…..I am sorry but I like that I cry at commercials and on certain days of the month can fly into a Valkyrie rage…I think it is all part of the package that is me….and just as important…I like sex…I really enjoy it…ok…mom and aunts…I probably should have warned ya but hey…it is what it is.  I am only 40(yes soon to be 41 but I still feel 23!!!! :D ) and…I don’t like the idea of just when I was getting back to enjoying me and my body, because I had a fabulous past two years as I got comfortable in being me again…of losing that….of losing me…of being on freaking hormones for years…..YEARS….I’m only 40!!!!! 

Sooooo I’ve decided to come back to where it all started to continue the journey that was set upon regardless of my detours and to now chronicle the next leg…which I shall dub “HH”  aka Hysterically Hormonal…..yeah..take that in the many ways it could mean because I am quite sure I will touch on them all at some point or another!

I have no idea where this will take me…us….but…here we go!

Blog ya later-

K

PS…There was absolutely NO cancer found in anything they removed from me…WHEW…but there were two cysts, one on each ovary(cuz yanno how I like my symmetry ..bwahahaha) and endometriosis in the left fallopian tube….so yes it was still for the best because regardless of those things…I will never have to worry about the OC beast for me….for others, always…but I like one less thing to worry about!

Spirally Cycles

It never ends.......I guess in many ways that is the dream..hope...maybe that we buy into when we hear the awful news and then learn that our world as we knew it has just been irrevocably changed and there is nothing that we can do about it except now roll with the punches and try and control the change...but we hope...we dream.....that one day it will..end...we can forget those worries and move on.  We even trick ourselves that we can forget, if we are strong in the force that is... ;)

And then some small thing comes along and sends us down that spirally path of insanity and what-ifs and before we know we find ourselves gasping for breath and hoping to claw our way back from the brink or perhaps we sometimes have someone who is there for us and helps to catch us before we even fall...sometimes anyway.  A TVnews story, an article you read, someone else's experiences or your own baffling medical conditions...it doesn't matter what sends you that way....before you know, you're just gone.




You see...I was fine...I felt fine...I looked fine...I was FINE....and then I was being eaten alive by my own mutinous cells.  I won...I beat the tricksters...but not without cost.  The most obvious ones being my breasts.  Oh yes, the foobs....it is still a love/hate relationship for, they will ALWAYS remind me of what is lurking below.  Sure...I miss the real ones...I miss them being able to feel more than anything...and not being ...there...I can't just smash the kids with a hug...they complain and say they are being poked...and I can't feel it.....that I miss....feeling that is.....the rest I'm totally ok with *smiles*  The less obvious being the ever lurking knowledge that they've done it before and they could do it again, my cells that is....and mutinied that is....do I think that they are now..NOOOOOOO, NO......No...but .....I don't control the future either...boy if I did though......


Anyway....it has now been four years since I found the lump.  I have actually felt great especially this past year.  My hair is SUPER long again-YAY :D  I am back down to a very good weight for my body and knees and I have been doing things...like...with my body...like a 5 mile mud run!!!!  And...except for some soreness..which is to expected when you have to throw yourself over things, through mud, and under things...it's amazing I came away mostly unscathed......but I felt great.....and...had what is one of my most fave pics of me taken in a long time......it is after the race when I am waiting to rinse off all the mud.   I was muddy and tired but I had done it!!!  And I hadn't hurt myself overly, yes there were bruises to come and a few scrapes as well, but nothing major so I was happy.   It reminds me ...of the old me......I like it.

However.....my knee started hurting(it had been off and on since Feb) and I finally went and got it checked and surprised my doctor(cause that is what I do best! ) by not having the normal problem with knees apparently, a torn meniscus, but instead having bruised the back of my kneecap!?!?!?!  I was thrilled it meant no surgery and we discussed how I should rest it for 3-4 weeks and then if it wasn't better we would go from there and worst case scenario really was ...it was my past injuries finally catching up to me....and we go from there....no biggie I can totally live with that...those....

And then I get home, try not to think about it much...and watch some stuff...and read some stuff....and a few days go by...and then...I get thinky again.....and suddenly head down a spirally circle of insanity......I mean...who bruises the back of their kneecaps.....and more importantly ...what person who has had cancer doesn't ask their doctor if they are sure that is what it is and not mets........apparently one who is strong in the force....or lounging at her house on DeNial.....whatever...anyway...so now I spiral.....

When suddenly I read some more....nothing that helps about the mets thing...since I realize...if it is mets, well then it is...and we deal with it and move on as we can.....if it's not, then I'm spiraling for nothing....I know...so rational for me...weird huh?   But what I read actually makes me angry and makes me want to scream...at the self righteous patients...I know..how awful of me...you got cancer...you got treatments and now you're having side effects and you're mad....ummmmmmmmmmmmmm.....nope...I don't feel bad...I don't feel you were "misinformed"  I don't think that you would have gone back and choose something else....I think.,......that we all want to live....and I think that when faced with what may very well be certain death and for some of us much faster than others...I think we tend to choose life even if there are consequences because....we want to live!!!!!!!! 


Ok...I'm not completely sure what this rambling rant was all about except to say that four years on....things are good and yet totally FUBAR in their own way sometimes too, that is the new normal...and it will never end....it may go in cycles of less spirally or less worry but....it never ends, that is the only thing I don't think anyone can comprehend from the other side....even being told or not.

I hope yall are doing well :)

K

October

Wow...time flies when your...alive! ;)

I know I left off somewhat abruptly with our trip this summer...mostly because I just couldn't get my head around going back and the changes.  I mean, I expected change, just not the ones I saw ya know!!!  So I will post some more pics in the next few blogs but for now just a bit of catch-up:)

We started the school year just fine..and by we I mean everyone else as I didn't actually have to start anything for the school year per se ...but it has been very nice.  Everyone seems to be happy with their teachers and classes and so far nothing too crazy with friends or homework so it has been a nice start!  Both girls have also had three weekends of volleyball games now and the 7th graders are really coming toegther as a cohesive group, I think playing together for the fourth year now is making a huge difference, they really work well as  a team and everyone just keeps getting better..AND..they keep winning!  The fifth graders are doing much better than last year but it is a mixed bunch with some new girls and some who this is the third year playing toegther and at this age it makes it very interesting!  That...and..we still struggle with serving and moving for the ball but, they played fantastically on Saturday even if they didn't win the matches, they won games and most importantly they played as a team..helped each other, called the ball and were getting it over in two and three hits...that rocks for a 5th grade team...now just to work on serving and we'll blow everyone away!

I have managed to not overly volunteer myself this year, but I am doing more big things than in the past, most likely due to the fact I am not helping in the classroom nearly as much this year..ok...not at all...it makes me sad.....and yet, it is a step that I knew was coming...I just thought it was next year!!!!!  However, I am really really glad Miss B has the teacher she has because she is being prepared...and otherwise, next year would have been just the worst for my happy-go-lucky-free-spirited-child-who-procrastinates more than her mother.....so instead I am having to find ways to fill my time elsewhere, so far it has been suprisingly easy to do!!!!

And now for something completely different....

I turned 3 yesterday! :) I am so happy to have made it here, especially as I have some numbness in my leg and due to where the numbness was, when I was in for a routine checkup with my Oncologist two weeks ago...she ordered a bone scan.  And then I spent the next seven days in a living limbo-land again...except...this time well...in some ways it was far far scarier because bone scans look for mets...and mets means death, no escaping, just prolonging...and...I have plans!!!!!  Now..don't get me wrong, the prospect of dying does not scare me, I dealt with that three years ago, and its not that there are tons of things I have to go see or do...what scares me about death...and honestly it makes me more sad than anything else..is what I would miss with the girls...that is what I hate, I want to be here for everything.  So I'm really not all that sure what happened that week..I should probably double check that I didn't sign myself up for anything!!!!  However, the bone scan came back totally normal(YAY and phew) and then after that more blood work and xrays that came back fine too, soooooo I'm going with it being residual chemo effects as what I am taking to get rid of that in my feet is also working on the leg now.....(which is what I hypothesised all along btw...)  Now, I am glad I have such proactive doctors who want to rule out the bad things, I really really am....but..I am also glad that I know my body so well, I think that will only help me in the long run.

And now we head into October...the month of pink....and I'm more torn than I have ever been about it....

I do know this, please do self exams ladies, take care of yourselves and if you think something is not right, have it checked, and guys too, men get Breast Cancer too.....early detection does save lives and knowing that and what to do is good...but...we need more...we need cures..and I do mean plural, there is no easy answer to any of this but I think most of all we still need to come together, that is the only way to really win.

Hope your fall has started off well!

Blog ya later-
K